Category: Personal

So I wrote a few months ago about my issues with a lady who sits opposite me and getting the body language confused (this post). Well, it gets more curious – now she knows my name. I’ll be honest, ASD doesn’t help me here and I am not one to talk to someone unless I find something common to talk about (hard when you are on a train) to get over that first bit of anxiety.

I know this person has a couple of friends that join at Haslemere occasionally. I mean, like once in a blue moon. I was talking to someone about my anxiety with this issue who I know, what doesn’t help me is that I often have staff around me. Some that fall asleep on the train. Guess who is the rude one to wake them up?

Yep, that’s right – me.

So, left it at that, since then, a number of things have gone wrong to get the pattern absolutely right, avoid them, I know her friend has referred to me in the past as I have a table all to myself, I only ever use table seats due to my high laptop usage.

Now more recently, I started seeing her friends (not the person concerned) and the question was, “Are you going to sit next to <my real name>?”. I didn’t hear the response however, so I don’t know what it was, but I’ve heard myself being referred to twice. So the more I think, the more I’m curious. However, there is one big disadvantage I have, age.

With myself and women and still being single, some other interesting problems have come up. They’re being trying to understand one of the people I work with. Admittedly, I know them more and have a little interest, but some of the conversations I’ve had with them and its taken me a long time to talk to them,  mostly if I am honest, I’m scared to even talk/ask someone out, especially with the company I work with due to 2 reasons A) the public interaction I have, B) actually get into trouble where someone puts in a pretty serious complaint (often blown out of proportion), end up in a bout of depression and again, cycle repeats which I may of explained before. This is the problem I face with office and railway romance, not that I won’t consider it (there is some I’d like to date and move on with), but the risk without getting any help is just too great – that is what scares me.

In fact, worried me so much, I finally brought it up in private with my manager in a recent TWYM – the railway doesn’t have appraisals, we have TWYMs (Time With Your Manager). These are mandated twice a year by the company, our department (the TPU) mandates them 3 times a year, one manager does them 4 times a year, which is good as it helps get any problems you have off your chest. TWYM’s are a way for my manager to explain how the company is performing, what the future holds and as we are the next TOC to go under Operator Of Last Resort, this is one of the points that would have been discussed, what happens next and what it means for us. We also discuss performance, discuss progression, discuss problems at work and one I brought up and I thought it would be good, is my current anxiety with women. Oh and to be clear, I’m straight.

So at work, I described someone incorrectly, not deliberately, but I couldn’t find the right words. I mentioned the problems that stayed between the 4 walls, floor and ceiling of “The Snug” which I’m not talking about it on here or who, but what took me back and shocked is that actually, my boss had a lot more understanding about the problems. Genuinely, I was in a good way.

Now if you go back to what I said earlier about being scared, this is where attitudes need to change and I’m going to specifically relate it to dating. It is inevitable the situation at work is going to be “boy meets girl”, “boy wants date”, “girl rejects boy” and then it’s a HR thing and what worries me more is being lead on and of course, I don’t know the difference. Now my previous managers in my old role – well the role before my current one is the same, but before that, would only know the basics, they wouldn’t know how to treat someone with ASD correctly but the tick box exercise of “you got it, but anything goes wrong, we have to tell you off and bring you into the office for a stern talking to”. In fact, in all my previous jobs apart from the CO3 role and CO4 role, it’s the same. Not to say all managers were like that, but a lot were what I felt was rough and ready. The same could be said at college as well, university, I just avoided the issue of dating and my argument is how we deal with ASD is wrong.

Yes, I accept the fact I’m going to make someone feel uncomfortable but what it has done , rather than make me as a person, its destroyed me as a person and my relationship prospects, especially with the way I am treated. The worst bit is, I’ve told them about it, but there is no support in going “this is the body language of how dating works”. “These are the signs”, I actually don’t understand any of that, I suspect it, I get very scared of getting it wrong and that just makes life so much awkward.

And I know what happens:

They wash their hands of the problem and go “its not my problem”.

Yes it is actually, if you expect me to take responsibility of my actions, I expect you to do the same, not palm it off onto some process or some technicality that means you get away with it. In other words, A) stop hiding behind an entity (such as “the cleaning team”) – that really drives my head in because you KNOW someone won’t take responsibility, B) take this as a big learning curve and use it to treat other people a different way.

As to my current managers, honestly, I can’t thank you enough, best group I’ve ever worked with and its so good, I’ve recommended the place to other staff. Honestly, the whole setup is so different, its not just treatment, I’ve even had managers even apologising for a small mistake they’ve made and not any manager, a very high up manager. That really says a lot.

Now why am I bringing this up now? Well, progression and jobs have always been a sticking point and if I am honest and REALLY embarrassed, I kept applying for jobs, I kept getting rejected time and time again, not knowing what was wrong with me. The support I could have had from my family could be better and if I ever have kids of my own, I learnt a lot. First job, sit them down, look at what they are good at and pick loads of jobs out that you think “You’ll be good at that”, give them that encouragement and teach them how the job market works. Its not a case of “do it for them”, but equip them with the skills to be A) resilient to rejection and B) actually work out what they need to do. The education system goes only so far. Now I got that sorted and it took me 24 years to get where I am. I didn’t have my first job until I was 24 and that was through a friend.

Before that, I was on benefits, that’s the bit I am honestly embarrassed by, because of the stigma that comes with it, Disability Living allowance, then Income Support with Incapacity Benefit with the shortest interview going. I was in the room for 30 seconds or less and the doctor made their assessment there and then. So why relationships? Well, I’m struggling. There is a goal I would like, just to be loved, that would say a lot. No, not from family, not from friends (as I don’t consider it the same way), but from a lady I can stay with and get married with, that’s ultimately what I am after. However, as far as I know of, there isn’t much in the way of that and with the mess I am in, I’m getting less and less hopeful I’ll get something, especially by the age of 40, which is as I write this, just over a year away.